Bed rest day 3 - Happy Birthday to me!

To whom it may concern,

I opened my birthday this morning only to find a rather rank smell emanating from the packaging. I was very disappointed to find that it was rotten.

Today is a dud for the following reasons:

1. This whole bed rest situation is for the birds... I can't go out for lunch or dinner, and of course alcohol is out of the question!
2. The weather is gorgeous outside, yet I'm not suposed to leave the bed / couch, let alone the house!
3. The power company had a scheduled 4 hour power outage this morning from 8:30 - 12:30... bed rest + no TV, internet, air con, or fan???!!! Are you kidding me?
4. The pool is sparkling and cool and refreshing, a lovely escape from this heat... But I'm not allowed to even sit in that either!
5. My mother rang and had a 6 minute conversation with me about how today is the one year anniversary of the Christchurch Earthquake and then she hung up. An hour later she rang back because she remembered that she'd forgotton to wish me "Happy Birthday".
6. It's now 4:30pm, and no word from my father.
7. A bird flew into the house and shit every where.
8. The house girl rang 20 minutes after she should've started to say she wasn't coming in today because she has a "sore knee".
9. Therefore, there is no one to clean up afore mentioned bird shit that is decorating my living room floor, and given the previously mentioned bed rest situation I'm not allowed to pull out the mop and clean it myself.
10. The cat decided to climb a tree and piss (from a great height) all over my verandah... while hanging from the tree.

For all of these reasons, I wish to return my birthday and request a brand new replacement one that functions in the manner which it is supposed to, i.e. full of birthday cheer, excitement, and attention being lavished upon me, rather than general suckiness.

I will happily accept any date available.

Please advise as to how you'd like me to dispose of the stinking mess that is today.

Sincerely,
Yaeli